The Classic Signs of Toddlerhood
The classic 1956 horror film Invasion of The Bodysnatchers detailed how alien pods landed in a small town, hatched out and took over the personalities of the inhabitants. The day after the transformation, people were unrecognisable as bland robotic Stepford wives/husbands/children. The arrival of toddlerhood is a bit like this - but in reverse. One day you are cheering your crawling baby on, desperate for him to take those first historic steps on the road to independence. Then you spend 2 years reeling in horror. Bodysnatchers is a piece of anti-communist paranoia. In your case, I'm afraid it's true - you've got a toddler on your hands.
You know you've got a toddler on your hands when...You weep with regret as you watch the video of your child taking her first steps. "You fool!" you howl, peering at a clip of yourself cheering the kid along.Having had a second baby, people start asking why you are always winking at them. You have to explain that, in spite of appearances, you are actually too tired to keep both eyes open at the same time. You are on first-name terms with the store detective in your local supermarket. It's a joint (but futile) effort to prevent your child reaching out from the prison of the shopping trolley for anything in a glass jar/containing E numbers, before he inevitably succeeds in smashing, throwing or consuming it. By his second birthday, Internet shopping will be your only solution, having been banned from every retail outlet within a 30 mile radius. After the social lull of babyhood, you start going to wild parties again (NB in this context, the word 'wild' has the alternative meaning of 'running round after your post-sugar demon child who is biting, kicking and robbing the birthday boy/girl') You feel experienced enough to apply for top-level crisis management jobs in the government, UN etc. You then get offered each job you apply for - but turn them down as they all clash with toddler group on a Tuesday morning. You start speaking in code to your partner (Actually, to anyone over the age of 5). Thus 'brown stuff' becomes code for chocolate; as in 'Can you pop to the shops and buy some...' This is fine as long as other people know what you're going on about. 'Darling, there's lots of brown stuff on this Christmas tree, we need to keep an eye on Brady' might not go down too well at Aunty Ida's next Yuletide. Return from Classic Signs of Toddlerhood to Toddler Funnies
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