Parent TamingA Toddler Guide To Domestic DominationDear Toddler, Congratulations on taking your first steps – they are a cause of celebration for both you and your proud parent (AKA your service personnel). What s/he fails to realise is that walking heralds phase two of a carefully planned campaign – the total domination of your household. Below are some handy tips to help you ensure your parents know their place – right there under your thumb. Louis Morris President Of TOWD (Toddlers Of World Domination)
A Happy Home
The family home should be a living tribute to you. Turn this previously relaxing and ordered space into a chaotic disaster zone, a toyshop of domestic horror.Twins: cry in stereo. If you are skilled enough, your parent may enter you in Toddler's Got Talent.
Disciplining Your ParentBad parental behaviour is to be expected at times. Your parent might ignore you when other toddler service personnel (often called their ‘friends’) are present.Deal with this by drawing on the walls, sitting on a pet’s head or emptying the kitchen bin all over the floor – and eating its contents. Your parent may get the idea into their head that they have some sort of life outside their service to you. Symptoms include wearing clean, ironed clothes, spending too long on the phone and reading anything with more than three sentences to a page. Retaliate by getting chicken pox on their birthday. Toddler Table Manners
Avoid vegetables at all costs. Although voluntary consumption generally sends adults into spasms of joy, this will invariably lead to you being called ‘Good boy/girl’. When this happens you know they will soon be in charge. It’s the thin end of the (potato) wedge.At the dinner table, the word ‘sit’ has multiple meanings: jump off; circle the room; run into other chairs etc. Bath Time Behavioural ManagementDemand the following items in your bath: water wheel, bubbles, flotilla of rubber ducks, library of plastic books and at least one parent (of either sex).Marking your territory is important in parent taming. Bath time is a good opportunity to do this, in or out of the water. Pee on the lounge carpet while you are getting dried. If your parent is busy tidying up all your overturned toy boxes they might not even notice. When Auntie Mavis comes to visit, she will helpfully point this out. From Nappy To PottyClever timing of when you fill your nappy or diaper is a recognised strategy in the war on parental disobedience. Just before dinner is the optimum time for this - the smell will force any adults around to attend to your bottom.Enjoy your parent’s re-enactment of Lady Macbeth’s ‘Out damned spot’ manic hand washing before dinner is served. Leisure TimeThere is a certain skill to persuading an adult to read the same story again and again. Your aim is to have it read to you until your parent goes quietly insane.Checking the rubbish every few days will ensure that your favourite stories never mysteriously ‘disappear’. Temporary StaffThe nursery or childminder’s is a great place to swap parent taming tips and behaviour modification strategies with other children. Learn from these older and wiser experts who have more experience at winding their parents round their little finger.Vet any prospective babysitters with care - give them one trial session. If by the end of this, you have not managed to double your bedtime story quota or have an extra snack, fire them without warning. Do this by wailing inconsolably into your parent’s knees the next time they come round - or even better, at the mere sound of the babysitter's name. Inducing guilt is one of the top parent taming skills, and can be used in a wide range of situations. Return from Parent Taming to Toddler Funnies
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