How To Prepare For Toddlerhood

Is your baby on the verge of walking? Before you open the champagne...

Make no mistake: you will lose most or all of the following during the next 2 years:

• One piece of irreplaceable jewellery
• The use of your DVD player
• The ability to make any kind of meaningful decision
• The will to live, if your child is given a Barney DVD for Christmas

So sit back and learn the best ways to get ready for life-changing event that is Toddlerdom.

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Go to the nearest bar and find a drunk with minimal bladder control and zero social skills. Take him home and attempt to get him to eat 5 portions of fruit and vegetables a day.

Withdraw the entire contents of your bank account the day you are paid. Now go round to Toys R Us and empty your purse or wallet on the counter. Alternatively, a direct bank transfer is quicker.

Mix up some peanut butter, jam and yoghurt in a bowl. Spread liberally all over your carpet, soft furnishings etc. Try to choose cream or any light coloured surfaces

Look after a friend's pedigree poodle for the afternoon. Try to choose a pooch that is irreplaceable to its owner, but at the same time has a death-wish.

Now take it to the nearest supermarket or shopping centre, take it off its leash and try reasoning with it to stay with you. The exercise your legs and racing heart will get are fantastic preparation for the next 2
heart-in-your-mouth years of your life.

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